♛ starshine.

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Thursday, April 01, 2004

silent reverie.

feeling empty once again. this really really sucks. and the worst part is that i can't help it. now i don't feel like going school.. feel like going mia. but i can't. see. te sad thing is that i can't. i promised myself. if i could disappear one day and make it totally traceless. i would. am still finding a solution to the weeny problem of mine. sighs*

was feeling kinda poetic. kinda. means. not really. so i didn't manage to come up with any decent poems. haven't really been able to do so lately actually. oh wells. what else is new anyways? sighs* yeah. was my di's birthday on tues. made him a pillow. like. a total hand made pillow. i actually sewed it myself? =\ okay. people should know how rare it is that i actually get down to sewing something for a person. haha. but he's a good di. *nods. so he deserves it? sighs* but was kinda affected that he actually wanted to just dump it because angel and i quarrelled. which resulted in a big mess. i just hope things are the same. but somehow it doesn't feel so. sighs. someone tell me why. whenever i feel i'm home. i just get kicked at the butt reminding me that i'm not? alrights. that's a logic that noone's able to understand except for me. sighs. i suck. really.

everything feels just so damn weird. i don't even know how i'm supposed to put it into words. was reading memoirs- and i came across this. which i feel still makes sense. up till now. >>

i need awakening again. maybe.. its just part of the.. uh. process. that leads to a.. communication breakdown between my heart AND my useless mind. which would probably sooner or later lead to the mental and physical breakdown of the useless owner.. due to the "cannot be repaired" damaged caused from this mental torture. woohoo! life rocks. totalllyy..

I'm looking past the shadows in my mind..
into the truth and I'm
trying to identify the voices in my head..
God which one's you..
let me feel one more time what it
feels like to feel and
break these calluses off of me
one more time..

haha. its funny how my logic sounds so stupid. yet still makes so much sense. to me that is. yeaps. had a rough day today. i don't get why people tend to take those.. 'ilikeu' and 'iloveu' etc.. so lightly as to actually make a joke outta it?.. i mean. is this what a relationship is supposed to be? a joke? *dots. i have got nothing to say bout that. and the fact that i received a voice message this morning from joseph saying something like THAT kinda turned me off totally. this basically just proves one SIMPLE thing. which i think.. i shouldn't be stating right here. cause well. i think i've been mean enough. *shrugs.

can i escape from reality? just for one day? nah. actually. to think of it. if i really do it. it won't be from a day. if i could. i would. but i can't. the heart says no. but the hands couldn't control. the blade comes close. and the blood just flows. ha. someone wrote that. and i remember it ever since. i figured. since i can't cut. neither can i drink. [i promised i wont.] i shall just type that out to ease my anger. *shakes head. i think i'm a sick freak. lols.

sighs. i don't want this. i really. really. don't.

they told me i was broken
but i.d be okay
the doctors said i.d wake up & see the brighter day
i.m still waiting here
for the cure to come
life is a disease
the scientists can.t find
any cure for.
i.m waiting here
for the medicine to work
depression is more a trend
today than an illness.
melodrama is so instyle
kids are running around screaming
look at me
look at my dark clothes
look at my fake scars
look i.m just putting an act on.
but don.t tell me i.m just like them
don.t tell me i.m just another teenager
because i don.t want to be like them.

makes sense? i think it does. at least certain parts that is. haha. yeah. i'm just feeling extremely down today. one happy thing though. met ((darlink`)) today. met joell erzi too. was wit angel. yeahs. went cini. angel left to meet her "gf". met krys and wei there. ((darlink`)) and i took neos. been donkey years since we last did that. like oh man. for once it just kinda felt like the good old times again. and i really liked that. even with krystal. i really missed that. wonder if they feel the same. ha. how. nostalagic. is this the correct spelling!? arhhs. i can't be bothered. sighs. saw jenny and tiff. as usual. it was the. oh. portia is here kinda look. yuupp. can't expect too much. we did drift. pretty far. way too far. sighs.

takemeaway.

i'm losing my mind. i should stop. i'm outt.

the evanescence . = a. sudden. disappearance.

the disappearance.

;elysium.
10:11:00 PM